Dances With Wolves

My second post! I checked my vital statistics and decided it wasn't time to sound the Last Post just yet, much as I felt like it yesterday.

I hope with this post I can explain a bit better some of my experiences since entering the mental health services as a 'client' (yes I know we all pay for the NHS one way or another if we're able to) but as far as I can work out I'm just a Job to them and they've certainly tested my patience sorely at times over the last fifteen years.

It appears to me that the purpose of the average (choose your own context) NHS Psychiatrist is simply to keep everyone well (by that I mean taking antipsychotics) and any diagnosis will do as long as you're no bother to them.

For a long time I was diagnosed as having something called Delusional Disorder because I believed that MI5 were out to 'get me', although I've also been told there was nothing really wrong with me or I had Schizoaffective Disorder or Schizophrenia or just a case of the Tom Cobley's.

The Genesis was a period at work after I returned from the Med and became increasingly paranoid because there were a lot of tangibly odd things that happened to me. I now wonder whether I wasn't directed into the endless embrace of the NHS slightly unnecessarily and then misdiagnosed, when a caring employer (and at the time I was effectively working for the Government) could have done things differently and thus saved me a lot of unhappiness and I hope unnecessary fear and confusion.

For me so much of what happened to me seemed like an ethereal punishment and my own experience of Hypervigilance and paranoia is that you only have to point someone in the right direction and set them off and they'll keep going until the batteries run flat. 

And I imagine my experience of it is very similar to many other people's. Not understanding why I'd been hurt this way, the more it goes on the more you look back over all the things you might have done to upset people with 'that' much power and eventually I decided that it was some of my overtly political posts on the internet back during the Blair years and the era when mass immigration and multiculturalism became a flagship policy. Ironically, as much as I was against the whole scheme, I had voted for Tony Blair at least once. Politically I probably hover around the middle ground. 

Now I hope the whole experience with the NHS and employers may have been simply a bit of a Bugger's Muddle born of bad policy from a Nanny state and I may have suffered more than most at times, but how much of this has been accident and how much design.

I hope to post again soon, I have more to postulate on with regards to what I think I may be psychologically and medically, I hope once again some of you may return to find out.